Week #41

Well, I have tried it all, you name it; spicy food, sex, bouncing and figure eights on exercise ball, primrose oil, long walks, daily dates, strong raspberry leaf tea, pressure point massages, rest and naps. Am I missing anything? I didn't think I would want to move things along medically until the 42nd week, but I am at that point now. I feel incredibly heavy, the word "uncomfortable" takes on a whole new meaning. Getting out of bed is rough, my belly literally cannot stretch any more. It is red and itchy. Coconut oil, Burts Bees oil and cocoa butter have not helped one bit. The only thing that has semi helped is Aquaphor. Constipation, hemorrhoids, heartburn, interrupted sleep from having to pee and from hip/pelvic pain and cervical pressure has been just a few of the things I have had to endure. I don't bother picking anything up from the floor, washing dishes because the belly gets in the way, shaving, painting my toe nails, and now I only wear slip on shoes. Putting pants on is a challenge too. Going upstairs, walking anywhere really, is fine as long as I'm as slow as a snail. I realize there are far more worst things in life, but this is my vent. Let's talk about the realities of pregnancy, why not? The baby movements and kicks felt cool, It is amazing to know there is a little life inside me, but now they are borderline painful. My abdomen muscles just feel overstretched.

The nice thing about last week and this week: hubby is home with us. Lily will be on a school break for the next two weeks so having him home is great. It feels strange not cooking or cleaning as much as I normally do, but Matt has been doing it all. Not going to lie, it is nice. :) He normally cleans after dinners anyway, but the fact that I can put my swollen feet up while he cooks since he is home is pretty awesome.

We just came back from Winterfest at Great America, it wasn't as crowded as I expected. The lights were beautiful, and Lily enjoyed herself. She loves it there, it is a special place because it is where Matt takes her on their daddy-daughter dates. I love that she will have those memories with him. She absolutely adores him and it makes my heart so happy. Hopefully tonight's walk has perhaps jumpstarted something. But I have been saying that for several days.

My latest sweets obsession: Trader Joe's Dark chocolate covered peppermint Joe Joe's. Oh.My.Goodness. Peppermint and chocolate together? Yes, please.

I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow morning. To get a membrane sweep or not? The thing of it is, I do not want to be induced, and at 41 weeks I am made to feel that continuing with this pregnancy may not be the best decision to make due to baby's size. Believe me, it is tight quarters in there so I can only agree. I wanted nothing more than to let him come on his own, but if the sweep helps me go into labor I am all for it. However, I understand it may not work and I will only feel uncomfortable or even be in pain after it. I will sleep on it, and go with the first thing I decide.

I hope that the next time I update, baby boy will be here with us.

The Waiting Game

I started my daily intake of Primrose Oil, 6 dates, at least 2 cups of strong raspberry tea, and doing my figure 8's on my exercise ball twice a day. Yes, I know I am only 38 weeks along but it doesn't hurt to help move things along, does it? ;) While none of this has been scientifically proven, I don't think any of it will do any harm. I am very curious to see if I am dilated at all, which I get the feeling that I am, but I am apprehensive about checking myself. Alicia has given us a lot of great reading material about natural induction, and on one of those pdf's there is some info about checking your own cervix. I'm already feeling sore by the time night time comes around, that I wouldn't want to make it worse. And let's get real, even though I am comfortable with my body, who is into feeling their own cervix? Those checks were extremely painful the first time, and I do not intend to get it checked multiple times again. Nooo, thanks. Especially since it does not indicate how fast labor will actually go. I have a follow up appointment with my OB tomorrow, I canceled last week because I didn't feel it was necessary to go. I had just gotten an ultrasound the day before, and honestly, there was nothing else to discuss. Both my doctor and the doctor on call that day aren't too concerned about his "large" size, they don't think he will get past 10lbs. All I can think right now is, please come out baby Rhoads, because we are so ready to meet you.

Appointment went well, I am 2cm dilated, with a soft cervix. No pain during or afterward! I think the hospital staff hated me last time, that's why they were so abrasive. Hah. If only I could motivate myself to get that hospital bag packed. I have had many attempts. Lots of free time. What is going on? I guess it just makes it all too real. I did not experience spontaneous labor the first time, I am excited to experience it with this one. It just isn't coming quickly enough! I am so impatient. At least my pump and parts are all ready to go, and I can't believe that I'm excited about it. I had a hell of a time with that pump, it was attached to me for almost one full year. I can't say I loved it. But I did love that it helped nourish my baby. It had its advantages and disadvantages. I would like for Michael to take to the bottle early on, because I do like that Matt can partake in feeding and bonding. I also like "me" time and need it in order to keep my sanity. But I also would like to successfully breastfeed. I guess I am a girl that wants it all?

Do not get me wrong, I love being a mom. I love everything about it, even the tough times- because it comes with the territory, it is part of the package- but I also don't want to forget who I am. Who I was before I became a stay at home mom. I am also a wife, a great friend, daughter, sister, nurse, and I am someone who likes listening to angry music while I clean or paint my nails. I like silence, while escaping mentally in an amazing book. I enjoy concerts, and coffee dates to stay connected to my friends. Matt enjoys playing hockey some Saturday mornings, going out to the occasional drink with coworkers after work, joining softball leagues. We also need date nights with each other. I love my family life, but I do not want to talk about kid-related things all.the.time. There is nothing wrong with moms that do, it just isn't me. An Astrology believer friend once told me that it is the Libra in me; I need to have balance in order to thrive. Hmm. I guess that makes sense. Speaking of beliefs, we went out for Chinese food with my parents last night. My fortune cookie read: "This coming Friday will be an exciting time for you." How cool would it be if that were true?

I haven't had that crazy perineum pain that I have had nightly, but it has come and gone somewhat throughout the day. One night a couple of weeks ago, it was so bad I was practically in tears. I sent Alicia a text complaining to her and she suggested a warm bath, and perhaps a bit of wine to help me relax. I don't have wine in the house (blasphemy!), but I did take a bath. Why don't I ever take baths? Matt prepped it for me and let me just say...it was heavenly. The pain subsided immediately. I felt so relaxed, I accidentally fell asleep on my heating pad. It automatically turns off after two hours. Problem is, you're not supposed to sleep on it. It was just so warm and comfortable. My skin must have been so soft, and I was so relaxed I didn't realize that there was a tiny burn on my ass from the pad. I can laugh about it now.

I was so excited about the four new episodes of Gilmore Girls. I was so happy to have had some time to finish it up yesterday, that I made some post partum "padsicles" to kill two birds with one stone. What a disappointment. I know the writers are not original, the styles are different but the majority of the time I just kept asking myself what in the world am I watching? The ending wasn't satisfactory at all, it was a cliff hanger and now I'm mad. They can't just leave it like that. There has to be more....right? Mr. Rhoads and I started The Fall on Netflix and oh, it is good. Disturbing, but good. Lily seems to have gotten into a night time routine again, which is nice. I feel that I have been sleeping soundly lately, which is a very good thing right before baby comes. I hope he is a much better sleeper than Lily was. Wow, HE! I still can't believe I am having a boy. I am so excited. :)

Our freezer and refrigerator are currently full. Yet when I get a craving, I want to opt for take-out food. Is that a form of nesting? I am also too big and uncomfortable to do any actual cooking, which makes me sad because I genuinely enjoy cooking!

I've been meaning to write in this thing for so long, my last entry was from early August, I better get on this.

I feel like I've been pregnant for years. This is going to be a rant type of post, because I am not one of those women that enjoys pregnancy. I don't want to seem insensitive or ungrateful at all, I am obviously very excited and happy about growing our little family but I also don't feel like I should hold back my honest feelings about pregnancy.

I miss so many things. Sushi. Wine. Sleeping on my belly. Effortless mobility. Waking up without hip pain and a stiff back. My feet not hurting or swelling. Not feeling heavy. I can't think of anything more fun than your baby's head putting pressure on your cervix in utero. I didn't actually experience "lightning crotch" with my first pregnancy until the 9th month. With this pregnancy, it began early on, and I also felt pretty heavy then. Some days, it feels as though I am literally carrying a bowling ball between my legs, and it could fall out at any moment. I can keep going...but I will stop right here.

I went back to the chiropractor I saw before, and if there is such a thing as miracle workers, I would say this doctor is one. I need to leave a glowing Yelp review as soon as I get the chance. She is AMAZING!! I know I should also be doing my part (hi, yoga? Where did you go?), but honestly, all I want to do is sleep. And sleep is all I do. When Lily is in school or with her grandparents I take a 30-60 minute snooze. Otherwise I have a very short fuse and snap at everyone over very trivial things. I also cry about everything. I went to the mall the other day with an old friend and had lunch. She said she wanted to thank me for being there for her during hard times, and that I meant a lot to her. Of course, I began sobbing and I took her down with me. I can't wash dishes because my belly gets in the way, I can't sit comfortably with my laptop, I can't sit on my La-z-boy recliner because it exacerbates back pain, I can't put on my shoes without help, I can't walk long distances or it feels like my vagina is going to plummet to its death, oh wait. I did say I wouldn't complain anymore. So this is what I CAN do: sleep, and eat. Those suit me just fine! I can play with my little one the best I can. I am easily out of breath but I push through, because she deserves a mommy who will be there for her no matter what.

Baby hiccups. They have become much stronger, and more frequent. I remember Lily used to get them at least twice a day closer to her due date. I am hoping my boy will come soon, I am 36 weeks along but it certainly feels much later than that. I am so ready to meet him. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday. At the last one, I was told he weighs approximately 6 lbs., and that if they guess that he will be past 10 lbs. by due date, we will talk about a cesarean. I understand larger babies are at risk for shoulder dystocia, but the mere fact that his weight is only a guess it what gets to me. If I end up having major surgery when it wasn't actually necessary, I would not be a happy person. My very astute and awesome obstetrician knows me quite well, so he knows my wishes for a natural birth is extremely important to me. My doula Alicia sent me a great article about "big" babies and in it there was a tidbit about lawsuits over actions taken with babies that ended up with shoulder dystocia. I understand his concern completely. But only time will tell what is to happen next.

Have I even talked about how it came about that we found Alicia? I think that can be saved for a new post. We worked on baby's room a bit tonight and I am spent. In probably less than 8 hours our munchkin will want to jump into bed with us to cuddle and sing songs. Not a bad way to wake up, but when you're tired, more sleep would be ideal. :)

I hope that my fellow mamas had a wonderful Breastfeeding Week! I was a pumping mom but I still consider myself part of that group. It was empowering seeing all of the Instagram and Facebook nursing pics in my newsfeed. What is interesting is that I never thought to take a selfie myself, because for me, it was a very personal time between my baby and I. At the time, I never gave covering up a second thought, however. I nursed everywhere, and I did not care what people thought about it one bit. The stigma attached to nursing is flat out ridiculous. I enjoy reading people's nasty comments, if only for a good laugh. It is quite simple. If it makes you uncomfortable, look away, or keep scrolling and move on, much like we do if we don't care to "like" or comment on a status update, or your incessant photos of your children, or vacation. People sure have a lot of opinions. I wish they'd save them for much, much, much more important things, like let's say, figuring out ways to coexist without being rude to one another? Or perhaps doing some good in the world? Nah, that would be boring, wouldn't it? It doesn't cause any drama or scandal that is so loved by the masses.

I was also a formula feeding mama. After my supply dwindled dramatically, and Lily preferred more solids, I added formula to breast milk. I stopped pumping at eleven months, so I didn't exclusively give her formula for long, because I still had some frozen breast milk to use. Again, at the time, I wasn't interested in what others' opinions were about breastmilk vs. formula, because it didn't concern anyone else. Now I know what a huge controversy it is among the mommy wars. We had every "issue" in the book. My body did not produce as much milk as I would have expected, (I have no idea why I had it in my mind that I would produce tons!) I had every type of support a person could want available to me: an amazing doula, supportive husband, great nurses at the hospital, a couple of lactation consultants, and my mother, who had very easily nursed the three of us with zero problems, and who was able to produce an abundance of milk. I tried every supplement out there, the teas, every medication, power pumping, bed-in power nursing, nipple shields, lactation cookies, you name it. I still only produced nearly 5 oz in one breast, and hardly 3 or 4 oz in the other. Nothing less, nothing more. It did not budge. My little girl was hungry. After eleven months, my supply only decreased and it was incredibly disheartening. I was so determined to continue pumping, I was beginning to feel that I wasn't spending enough time with Lily, and I could have been a lot happier had I been relaxed about the situation. This time, I know better. Lily had both lip and tie tongue, so we will be on the lookout with baby M. Why it wasn't discovered earlier on with Lily, I will never know. It could have saved me a few rounds of sore, painful, bleeding nipples, that's for certain.

I am unsure about how nursing will go this time around, I will have to see when the time comes. As soon as Lily was born and was placed on my chest, she latched just fine. Little did I know that we would have challenges down the road. It is not the end of the world if my baby ends up being formula fed. I refuse to go through all of the stress I went through again. I need to remember that feeding choice isn't the be all and end all of anything, our identities as mothers do not lie in whether we breast fed or bottle fed our children. Let's be happy we are feeding our children, yes? I loved that Matt could help prepare her bottle, and bond with her during feedings. I will never forget Thanksgiving morning, when she was two months old, I woke up to a quiet baby being fed by her daddy next to the window as the morning light shined through. It was such a lovely sight! That was the moment I felt good about no longer trying so hard to breastfeed her. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had cried so much about it; I wonder how much of that was baby blues, stress, desperation, disappointment. I am thinking it was all of the above.

I'm not sure if it was because I used the support band the other day or what, but my belly button pain has been very uncomfortable. Baby M sure is a lot more active in there these days. I don't notice more movement at any particular moment, it is literally all day and when I am still, at night before bed.
I have started going to a chiropractor again, I had my second visit today and I can't say that I'm super impressed with this doctor. She is a nice person, but I miss the one I had before, Dr. Anjali. Her services are not covered by our insurance, it is a major bummer. She takes a more holistic approach to healthcare, which is more up my alley. I will give this new one a couple of more tries but I think I will need to go back to Dr. Anjali as my belly grows bigger.

Our nanny, Paola's last week with us is coming up. While I am happy that she has found full time work close to home, we will miss her terribly. I know I will definitely cry about it, because I have literally been crying at least once a day, mostly about trivial things. This is not trivial by any means. She has been such a tremendous help to our family. Will we ever find another Paola? I think not.

As I type this, I noticed that my fingers are swollen. I hope I don't get carpal tunnel again, that was fun. I need to remember to drink plenty of fluids throughout the day. I took care of Mr. Rhoads today because thanks to his sick coworkers who chose not to stay home, he has the flu. Fingers crossed that Lily and I do not get it.

I am not loving the second season of Jane the Virgin. Come on, girl! Either pick Michael or Rafael already!! I should actually be working on renewing my nursing license. It expires in October and it will be here before we know it!

I am eating so much food. I was starting to make a list of things I have eaten today, but stopped after dinner because I threw in a frozen burrito with chips so now I am embarrassed to admit how much I actually ate. I feel guilty about the non-healthy stuff I consume but I am also good about fruit and vegetables. I have the feeling losing the baby weight this time will be a huge challenge. ;)

The anatomy scan of the baby was on Friday. I am proud of Lily, she was so patient through the long appointment. She even smiled at the sonographer after getting a sticker. Baby looks great, it is definitely a boy, there are no doubts about that! He is an active little one, it took longer than usual to get all the angles they needed. The doctor did notice a small umbilical hernia, which would explain the belly button discomfort I experience from time to time. I was told not to lift anything heavy, and to get as much rest as possible. Rest has been my best friend. Have I mentioned how tired I am?? My allergies have been awful so sneezing has been unavoidable. I have had to hold my belly every time I sneeze, and to make matters more interesting, I pee a little most of the time. Yes, I am not ashamed to admit that. I guess I really need to work on my kegel exercises. Ah, the joys of motherhood.

I have also been crying about eeeveryyything: commercials, documentaries, songs, even when I see a cute baby, I get a lump in my throat. My girlfriend stopped by the other day with four boxes full of baby boy clothes because they aren't planning to have more children, and they are moving. When she had initially told me she had "a few things" to give us, I had no idea she meant her son's entire wardrobe from newborn to 24 months. After she left, I went through it, and I became so overwhelmed with their kindness that I broke down in tears. Everything is cute and in such great condition, she could have just sold it all. It is funny that the day before she sent me her text message I was a bit stressed about having to buy boy clothes and had no idea where to start. I feel pretty lucky.

It is 10:40pm and Lily is still up, "reading" and wandering around her room. For a while, after we moved things back one hour, an early breakfast, an 11am lunch time, etc, she was in bed by 9pm, which was a huge improvement. She was getting up late, we would wait for daddy to come home to have dinner at 6/6:30, bedtime routine started by 8, but wouldn't actually fall asleep after 10pm. At times she still gets up in the middle of the night. Usually, between 2 and 4am--fun times. So when we began doing things earlier, and unfortunately not waiting for Mr. Rhoads to come home to eat, she fell asleep earlier and slept through the night. She has been officially potty trained, meaning she hasn't had an overnight accident in a few weeks. I wish she would nap, mostly for me to take a break, but even if she does (only in the car), it does not improve her nighttime sleep habits. She napped briefly in the car today, I can't help but wonder if that is why she is having a hell of a time falling asleep now. I know she is tired. Truthfully, I have always been a night owl so I can't be upset that she has a hard time sleeping. I know the feeling.

Speak of the devil, I seem to have a visitor in my bedroom so perhaps I will try to lay down next to her. After all, she will not always be this small and will want to be around mommy this much, right?

The Latest...

I realize that all pregnancies are different, but I had the feeling something was different with this one. I knew in my gut that I was carrying a boy this time. I am not one of those women that loves being pregnant, in fact I am quite the opposite. I have good days and not so good days but for the most part I am hungry, tired, cranky, and sore. I feel that the symptoms I had with my first were a lot more manageable, but could it also be that it is a little harder this time around because I have a toddler? It is a possibility. I should definitely be walking more, and should be pushing myself to do more yoga, but honestly, I would much rather lay down and nap. If I crave pancakes at 11pm, I make and eat them. Ok, ok so Mr. Rhoads makes them and I eat them. :) My latest craving: banana bread. I have a strange, intense craving for that tasty, soft sweet banana bread. Whole Foods has THE best freshly baked bread, by the way. 

I am happy that I have slightly more energy now so that means I can cook! With Lily, I couldn't even be in the kitchen until my 16th week. This time around, the 18th week was the magic number. It has only been a week, but I am back on Pinterest pinning delicious recipes. I noticed that I tend to pin more desserts than dinners, though.

This was taken last week, I feel big and heavy already! I love feeling him move around in there, it is such a cool feeling. That is probably the only thing I like about pregnancy. My next ultrasound will be on Friday, where they will confirm that it is a boy. My doctor took a look at my last appointment and said he was certain the baby is a boy, so if he is wrong, oh man are we in for an enormous surprise! I trust him, though so I know I have nothing to worry about. I also saw it with my own eyes. 

We will be dropping Lily off at her grandparents' right after the appointment, so that Matt and I can stay in Santa Cruz for the night. I can't wait! As much as I love my daughter and enjoy our bedtime routine together, it will be nice to just relax with my husband. I guess it is kind of a mini babymoon. Hopefully it isn't freezing at the beach, but the main reason why we are going is to see Toad the Wet Sprocket at the Boardwalk. I love concerts, I am always down for a good one. Especially if they are free!

Latest Lily happenings:

*She loves her nanny, Paola, and believe me I love her too. She has been a godsend.

*Her favorite book: Hop on Pop. The kid has memorized it. She also knows Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you See? I caught her "reading" it a couple of months ago and took a video of it. I uploaded it to YouTube and sent it to family. My sister in law said that if I am proud of her just memorizing the book, wait until she actually begins reading. I know it will absolutely blow me away. I hope that her love for books will continue throughout her lifetime. 

*We have turned in the deposit needed for preschool, so it is official, she will begin August 29th. She will be attending twice a week, for a few hours in the mornings. It is a Spanish immersion school. I really wish I would have done a much better job of speaking Spanish to her, but by the force of habit (okay, and laziness) I have spoken mostly English. I am confident that she will pick it up quickly. 

*She has started to a bit more affectionate, her hugs last a little longer than usual and she says, "I love you, mommy" and says "aww" a lot. My most favorite thing she is doing is coming to my side of the bed the minute she wakes up to cuddle. 

*She will copy everything she hears, she will want to do what other children are doing. She is a thinker, and cautious in her actions. I love that about her. I can see the wheels turning in her head when she takes in something new. She really is an amazing little person. I am going to miss her when she starts school! 

After a two year hiatus...

I am sad to say that after going through two or three phones, a lot of the cute things that Lily has said or done have been lost. I am probably the most disorganized person in the world, in hindsight I should have actually gone the old-fashioned route, by writing things down. My sister got us a cute quotes book that we could have used the past year. Sigh, well, as I think of things, I will be updating here. Which of course means my writing will be terrible and probably difficult to follow. ;)

It has been too long. I don't even remember how to add those fancy tickers on here, or anything of the sort. I will just type. 

It's hard to believe our Lily will be three at the end of September. I am not going to lie, parenthood is exhausting, and it is hard. It is easy to compare your life to other moms, and think that they have it together but for all I know, they share the same struggles. I don't have an issue vocalizing the realities of motherhood. Yes, I am grateful, happy, and completely in love with my offspring, but it comes with huge responsibility, one that I do not take lightly. I should probably point out that I am sick and tired of the mommy wars. While I am normally a pretty positive, confident person, it isn't difficult to start doubting or questioning myself. I read a lot of blogs, and I have to say that I am tired of people walking on egg shells as to not offend anyone with their own thoughts or experiences. We all parent differently, whatever works for your family may not work for mine and vice versa. I have not experienced anything negative among my fellow mom friends (in real life), but I see a lot of negativity and animosity online, from complete strangers. I feel badly for these women that are so nasty to other moms, it just makes them look angry and incredibly insecure. The lack of respect as they hide behind their computers makes me genuinely sad. It takes bullying to a whole other level. So, on that note, I will admit here that I will stay honest, and if anyone disagrees with my own ideas, it is okay but just as I hope to raise my child to be respectful of others, I hope that that is what other moms want for their children as well, therefore they will be role models and behave as such.

Goodness, where do I begin? I left off with somewhat of a small political rant but I have decided not to discuss my thoughts on that here. The state of our country at the moment is an utter embarrassment, and further rants would more than likely take ALL of my free time. I think would only be appropriate for a different platform. 

What we are currently up to: 

We are expecting baby Rhoads #2 in December. It came as a surprise, because we had "planned" not to begin trying for another baby until after our Hawaii trip. It is funny, isn't it? That life does not always happen as one plans. I am beyond excited that my doctor has confirmed that it is a boy! We have painted the nursery, and have random misplaced furniture in there for now. Lily is in the process of a "big girl" bedroom, in which we have just moved furniture around and added a couple of things. We are in the market for a bunk bed, in hopes of using the top for storage, and bottom for her bed. As she gets older, the bed can go up and a desk would go at the bottom. So far, that is the plan.

We want to see Toad the Wet Sprocket at the Boardwalk on Friday, so I want to paint our room on Thursday. Lily will have her second sleepover at the Rhoads' house. The first was about a year ago, and needless to say it did not go very well. Why no one ever warned us that even at two years old, the possibility of them going to sleep at a decent hour and sleeping through the night is a slim one, is beyond me. I whine and complain to my non-mom friends about this, only to let them know what they are really in for if they decide to have children. It should be noted that we do get a few nights here and there where we get more than 6 hours of sleep at a time, but it does not happen frequently. I can understand now how some parents can have one kid after the other, sleep is essentially obsolete anyway. :)

I also talk about how smart and funny she is, how she surprises me and makes me laugh daily. She is a sensitive kid, just like I was. Hell, I am still a sensitive person. She is absolutely wonderful, and it has been awesome getting to know her. The difficult part about parenting for me is that I hope I can help her achieve her full potential. I am nervous about letting her down somehow; all I can really do is try my very best. I obviously know that we are only human and will make a lot of mistakes, but her stability and happiness is what matters to me the most. I am very proud of her so far, and the father that Matt has become. Since day one, he has been amazing. I could not have asked for a better partner. 

More to come later.