How anyone with children can manage to blog on a regular basis astonishes me. I think about the things I want to write about, but I never get to my laptop. Or if I do have a little bit of time, I use it to read, nap, shower, eat, or watch one of my shows.
It has been almost seven weeks with our little guy. It is an adjustment period for sure. I love everything about him, from his long fingers and toes, to the scent that emanates from his little head. What I don't like is the constant fussiness, because honestly, nothing can make you feel like the worst parent on earth than your child's cries. I wish I knew what he needed, I wish he could communicate. But after a bottle and just before he falls asleep, when he smiles, it reminds me how worth it all of this is. He has the best smile...like Lily's. OH man, am I glad the kids got Mr. Rhoads' smile. :)
For now, it is the process of elimination; has he been fed? Does he need to spit up or burp? Soiled diaper? Does he just want to be rocked and held? Does he need to be alone? His needs are all over the place, whatever makes him content one day is different from the next. What I have found that does work most of the time is bouncing him on my knee. Especially after night feedings. He enjoys being in constant motion, which has resulted in a sore back. I don't mind carrying him in my Tula, though. But it isn't always feasible. He is eating every 3-4 hours which is pretty good. So in that sense he is fairly consistent. I have also found that when Lily is in school and Matt is at work, he tends to relax more and naps better. So far, he dislikes the car seat- unless he is very sleepy. The first time he and I went to pick up Lily from school, he cried the entire way there, which is only 8 minutes but felt like an eternity. It is awful, but there is not much that can be done. Loud metal or any other rhythmic type of sounds calms him sometimes, but once he has reached a certain point, he is too pissed and it's hard to bring him down from it. You hear how people say that babies like noise, and that they should be able to sleep through anything. Not my kids. Lily didn't sleep in her stroller when we were out and about, or just nap anywhere. Michael sleeps well at night I think because we keep it dark, with white noise on. He wakes, we change his diaper, feed him, burps, then he is down again for another few hours. I have been trying to do that during the day and it is working out well. He likes the swing, white noise (particularly partial to vacuum sounds), and being wrapped up.
His fourth trimester is a long one!
Within the past few days, he has been following Lily around with his eyes. When he hears her voice, he searches for her. It is the cutest thing. When we were playing on the floor the other day, Lily sat next to him to sing to him and he kicked, cooed and reached out to her with his little arm. I caught a photo of it, and posted it on instagram. I was quite proud!
I have to say the amount of love and support from friends and family has been nothing short of amazing. We have gotten homemade meals, books, a beautiful, stylish bag to be used as a diaper bag, clothes for the baby, pumped breastmilk from two friends, and the gift of free babysitting so we could get some glorious sleep. Our neighbors even got both Michael and Lily some cute pjs, and a $100 gift card for groceries. It was incredibly kind and unexpected! I feel very fortunate for the people in my life.
As of now, we are a sick household, unfortunately. It had been a while since we all got sick, and it happened with a baby to boot. My poor babies. Including Matt. I hope these colds go away sooner than later because we all know it is no fun. For now, we are watching a lot of tv, doing a lot of reading and snuggling. In that aspect it isn't so bad. :)
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Sunday, February 5, 2017
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Michael's Birth Story
I should probably share Lilliana's birth story at some point. Three years and a few months later, I guess is better than never. :)
Today marks three weeks since baby Michael's birth. I was 41 weeks + 1 day along exactly. While it is still somewhat fresh in my mind, I will actually update my post. On Monday night of the 19th of December, Mr. Rhoads and I were getting ready for bed. I ended up opting for the membrane sweep that morning, at 11am. I got comfy in bed with a book waiting for Matt to get out of the shower. When he did, he walked past me to put on a shirt when we both heard a very loud "POP!" He turns to me and says, "what was THAT?!" I didn't know what to think, until I felt the warmth between my legs and I realized I was getting a ton of fluid on our sheets. I looked at the clock: 11:11pm. With eyes wide open, I told him my water had broken. It was clear that neither one of us knew what to do, it was pretty funny. He was stumbling around, asking if he should call his brother so he can be here with Lily, and I was debating whether I should call Alicia or not. The plan was to labor as long as possible at home, but when my water broke I had a feeling I would go into labor quickly. And that is exactly what happened. Alicia was at a birth, so I called the backup, who coincidentally was the same doula we had the first time. She attended Lily's birth, which put me at ease. She advised me to go with my instinct, if I felt like I could sleep for a bit (yeah, right!), or take a shower and head to the hospital, it was totally up to me. What no one tells you after your water breaks is that you will continue to leak, and have more gushes. Thank goodness for disposable adult diapers! Matt got everything in order and into the car. I showered, and waited for my brother in law Dan and Julie Ann, the doula. They both arrived around 1 am. I was on the phone with the doctor on-call at the hospital just before their arrival. I was told I should probably come into the hospital, even if contractions were not that close together. Since this was my second baby, he will likely come very soon. Julie Ann brought over her TENS machine, and thank goodness for that, because the car ride to the hospital would have been hell. Every time I had a contraction, I pushed a button that sent electric pulses out and let me tell you, it was heavenly. Matt and I waited at the front of the entrance so that Julie could park her car, then Julie and I both headed in while he looked for parking. I couldn't wait for him in the lobby, I just knew this kid was coming fast. As we checked in, I was unable to speak during the contractions. It was 2am. They were longer and more intense. Alicia was there with her client; as soon as she saw me in the hallway she rushed over and hugged me. She helped me breathe through a contraction, and I realized I couldn't stand any longer. I felt lucky that her client happened to be at the same hospital!
We walked over to my room, and it turned out to be the same room Lily was born in! The nurse read over my birth plan, asked me a few questions while I changed into my robe and at that point I wasn't able to concentrate, let alone answer any questions so Matt and Julie took over. There wasn't enough time for Julie Ann to set up her candles, dim the lights and play music like we had planned. I wanted both of them to be near me for every single contraction. The nurse tried to start a saline lock in between contractions but now the contractions were so close together, it was probably the fastest she ever had to do one. I noticed she was pregnant as well, I asked how far along she was, she said eight months. She mentioned that in her experience in the labor and delivery department, only about 20% of women who wish for a natural birth actually end up achieving that goal. Well, thanks for the encouragement. She asked multiple times to check my cervix, and every time I declined it. It is not an indication of when baby will make their way through, and I figure he will be born either way. I overheard her comment a couple of times that I wouldn't allow her to check me, therefore she does not know how much longer I have. She seemed annoyed but I did not care one bit. Julie Ann whispered to me that she was proud I stuck to my guns, and that the baby is due to arrive at any moment, because I seemed to be in transition. During every contraction, Matt applied counter pressure on my lower back, and I was reminded to relax my shoulders and jaw. He was so, so amazing throughout labor. He is always a strong presence for me. His understanding my need for space at the right moments, his reassurance, warmth and love was felt. He was my rock, all the way.
When transition began, it all felt like a dream. I don't remember what was talked about, who was in the room, all I knew was that I felt extremely exhausted and I just wanted baby to be born. I kept thinking, why is this taking so damn long? The lower back pain was unbearable. The TENS machine was no longer working for me. The shower with hot water on my back helped with my first labor, so we tried that again. But this time I was actually afraid he would be born in the shower so I was apprehensive. I wanted to feel relief, so badly. Alicia had popped into the room so with her help we all went in. The next thing I know, Matt is in there with his swim trunks, soothing me and breathing with me. I didn't feel relief this time. The steam made me feel hot and uncomfortable, so in my foggy state of mind, I knew I sounded rude when I told them I needed to get on the bed. Julie Ann reminded me that I needed to listen to my body, so we were doing whatever needed to be done. She dried me off, but I wanted to run to the bed, I didn't care that I was naked and soaked. Three contractions occurred while we were trying to get out of the bathroom, and during those, I leaned onto Matt while standing, which I never thought would bring any relief. It did. It sounds completely crazy, but his smell and comfort helped significantly. Getting my robe and a diaper on felt like an eternity. I got on the birth ball, bounced and moved about along with contractions. "Ride the wave", I kept telling myself, but Jesus! The pain was more than I could bare. I remembered what Julie Ann told me during Lily's birth- When I could no longer go on, when I want that epidural, it only means baby is coming. I dreaded each contraction. The more I wanted to fight it, the more tense I became. With each one, I growled and I moaned from the depths of my belly as loud as I possibly could. With applied pressure on my hips, and lower back, Julie reassured me that my body knew what to do. I was just making more room in my body for baby, and to try to relax into the contractions. As they got even closer together, I wanted out. I wanted out of my body so badly, because the pain was out of this world. I shook, not from being cold, but from the hormone shifts, an adrenaline response in the body during labor. As much as I tried to "embrace" it, I hated it, and asked- ok, demanded- for some Fentanyl. Then I shouted for an epidural. I wasn't nice about it, either. I believe my words were, "fuck! I want an epidural! Now!" Matt, the nurse, and the doula were all quiet which irritated me even more. I repeated myself. The nurse calmly explained that she needed to check my cervix before getting an anesthesiologist, but that could take some time. I told her to just forget it. I was given one dose of Fentanyl and I am pretty sure I almost kissed her. I said, "god bless you..." and I think I dozed off in between contractions. I rested my head on the bed, so grateful for that small break. The shaking subsided, but nothing can take away the pain from the contractions- or "surges"- as the doulas call them.
Julie Ann kept giving me sips of water in order for me to stay hydrated. I didn't want the baby monitor on me throughout labor like last time, so that was one less thing to annoy me. They checked baby's heart rate at some point for twenty minutes, I can't remember when it was, but he was doing great. As I felt him descend even lower (OUCH) into my pelvis, in between a contraction, I had the head of the bed moved up so I could lean over and be on my knees, the way Lily came into the world. This time, it didn't feel right at all. My nurse ended up leaving, because she began having contractions, so another nurse came in. I liked the new one a lot, because she was much more positive and motivating. I tried squatting, no way in hell that was going to work. Then she and Julie Ann suggested getting on my back, which is the less than ideal position I wanted to be in. I did it anyway, and my body responded well this time. Got those knees up, pushed like a madwoman. With Lily, I never felt the urge to push. This time, the need to push was overwhelming. It felt as though I had to release a huge poop. I overheard the doctor say he was in a posterior position, (facing my abdomen) which is why I was having crazy back pain. Lily was also posterior, but she turned herself during birth. Evidently, Michael did as well. The doctor was very nice and I felt at ease with her. What pissed me off though was that during my oxytocin haze she told me she was a bit "concerned" because he was a big baby, and that that can pose some complications. I thought to myself, the hell it will. It only made me want to show her that I could push him out without any complications. I knew I could do it. Julie Ann whispered not to listen to her, that I was doing just fine. During an in home visit with Alicia, we discussed the "sphincter law", in which the muscles of the anus and vagina do not respond on command. One must feel relaxed, not afraid or pressured, in order for these to function optimally. During birth, according to Ina May Gaskin, the famous midwife, if there is any negativity or fear surrounding the mother, she tenses up, and birth tends to slow down. The positivity that Julie Ann provided helped me through, I am a firm believer of that. Matt and Julie Ann both told me that they could see his head turn while he was still inside, so after three pushes, he was out. There was that familiar feeling again, the slimy squiggly human being being expelled from my vagina! It was 6am. I remember screaming from pain during that last push because it burned pretty badly. Ever heard of the "ring of fire"? Yes, that was it. I do not remember the burning sensation with Lily. I remember thinking, I didn't tear last time, but I swear this time I did. The doctor examined me, and said I didn't have any tears. Lucky me. He was immediately placed onto my chest. He didn't have a lot of vernix or blood on his skin, he was so clean! They covered him with a blanket, but didn't really clean him off. There were about 5 or 6 people in the room now, I can't tell you who they all were! Julie Ann did have her photographer/videographer friend in the room to document the birth, there was my nurse, the doctor, of course Matt and Julie Ann, but I can't for the life of me remember who the extra person was. She looked important, though.
I was given nitrous oxide (laughing gas) right before giving birth. Why wasn't I given some of that stuff with Lily? It was awesome. After Matt cut the umbilical cord, they all talked about how sturdy and thick it was. It was probably a full ten minutes that they waited to cut it. On my birth plan, I had indicated to wait at least five minutes. I was very happy about that. I was no longer experiencing contractions and I had to expel the placenta so they gave me a bit of Pitocin to contract my uterus. I did not want to push again but I had to. They showed me the huge placenta that came out of me and could hear the doctor discuss how it looked like an unusual placenta. It was deep red in color, larger than average, which is probably why they waited a bit longer to cut the cord, it needed to drain. Also, it apparently had some unusual patterns on it. It normally looks like a tree, which is why it is sometimes referred to as "the tree of life". Alicia was in the room again, this time to take the placenta off and get it encapsulated for me. Once Michael latched and had some milk, he was weighed and measured. 8lbs, 4 oz, 20 inches. Man, am I glad he was not a ten pounder. It goes to show that ultrasounds are inaccurate. I was annoyed, thinking about all of the big baby comments made during pregnancy, but I was on such a baby high, all of it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I gave birth the way that I wanted, and I was armed with an incredible support group. I was cleaned off, and we were all taken to the mother baby unit. Julie Ann asked me how I felt about this birth. I told her that it was fast, it felt just as painful as the first, and I began to feel a bit out of control toward the end. She and Alicia both said I was totally in control. I apologized for swearing at everyone. Alicia said there are never any hard feelings in the birth room. Julie Ann stayed with us until Michael ate and we had eaten breakfast. Poor thing, she was not prepared to stay up all night long. What a trooper. A good doula is absolutely invaluable. For me, both times, they were worth every single penny. What I will always remember is that my wishes were respected in the hospital. Ultimately, what it all comes down to, is respect. Please do not tell me that you are going to check my cervix. ASK me. What most women don't know is that most medical interventions can be avoided. We have a right to decline certain procedures, but it obviously goes without saying...do your research! I am not speaking from a holier than thou stance, believe me. I like to think I am not one of those people. I do not think that I am better than anyone because I gave birth the way I did, I am just a fan of knowing that women are being supported, loved and respected in their decisions. Knowledge is truly empowering.
I know it must make people uncomfortable when I disclose details of my births, but I think that the more we talk about what really happens, the more we learn, and the more we can appreciate the process.
Michael was born on Tuesday the 20th, we came home the next day, Wednesday afternoon. We could have left the following day, but I felt so badly for poor Matt who had to sleep on a very uncomfortable "couch". I personally loved the attention, free food, tv, and scheduled pain meds. :) So far, Michael seemed to be latching fine, and I was able to express some colostrum. My OB came by for a quick visit, checked my belly, and asked how much he ended up weighing. He didn't seem shocked. We had some lovely roommates, their baby was born the day after Michael. My parents came to visit while Julie Ann was still there, and my sisters came after they had left. Lily came for a visit with her grandparents to meet her brother. It was so good to see her. She was pretty indifferent about the baby, but I think it will sink in that he is here to stay forever. I wanted for our family to be together, so I'm glad we left when we did. The post partum nurses are absolutely amazing. I couldn't do what they do.
As for the placenta pills, I opted for encapsulation this time because I wanted to compare post partum recoveries. During birth, we lose hormones, iron, etc. so by consuming the placenta, we are bringing some of that loss back into the body. There have been studies that have concluded that it helps with moods, breastmilk supply, quicker healing. Now while I know that both my pregnancies were different, as were the births, it could just all be coincidental, but I do think they have helped on some levels. I have had zero hair loss this time, I feel a lot more energized, no "baby blues", and milk came in quicker. That is a whole other issue, though. Breastfeeding did not work out but I feel at peace about it this time, because I was mentally and emotionally prepared. My baby has tongue and lip tie, just like Lily did. His latch was much better than Lily's ever was, but he had to work incredibly hard to get that milk. He ended up with a fever at just 3 days old, from dehydration. His mouth was very dry. I could tell Matt was panicking. My nursing instincts kicked in. We monitored his temperature, stripped him down and gave him a sponge bath to cool him off, and supplemented with formula. It became very clear that he was not getting enough to eat. The next two days were awful. No, that is an understatement, it was terrible. He refused to latch, he would just scream his head off and so he and I cried intermittently those two days and nights. He was clearly very hungry, and my nipples were in so much pain, I can't even describe it. Matt would feed him, and with every large gulp my heart ached. Was my body not producing enough milk...again?! How can this be? I have milk. So I would pump, and only saw drops. He was already drinking 2 oz. We called a lactation consultant recommended by the doulas. She was amazing. She taught us techniques for feeding with flat, painful nipples, but they took time. She felt baby's mouth, said that when he sucks, he bites down with his gums because he can't protrude his tongue while he eats. That night, I did what I was taught, but I didn't get any sleep. The massage technique took about 20 minutes. By the time I had massaged, he had eaten, slept, I had to be up again to massage and go at it all over again. My breasts had so much edema, that encouraging some of that fluid back into the lymph nodes took a while, and reverse pressure softening did not help. Nipple shields did not work, it only made him more upset. The nipple shells did bring them out, but once he was finally able to latch, it felt like he was chewing them off with teeth. It was torturous. It should NOT have to be this hard! After a very tearful phone call to Alicia in the middle of the night, she was very sympathetic and supportive. She said she would visit the next day. I felt very vulnerable in that moment, and I was reminded that I already had a plan for this. Once I felt hopeless, stressed, and if I wasn't bonding with my baby, then it is time to switch to formula. If I wanted to keep trying to nurse, it was up to me. I already knew that I did not want to exclusively pump again, so that was not an option. Matt and I talked about it for a while, he said he did not want to see me in so much physical and emotional pain that formula will have to be the way to go. Our baby was also not a very happy guy through all of this. It was Lily's situation all over again. She had gotten her tongue tie snipped, thinking that was the issue, but she still couldn't latch properly. Michael's tongue tie was also snipped in the hospital before we left, but the pediatrician said she wasn't comfortable cutting a lot. We will have to take him in for further cutting and the lip tie. Geez, cutting...that sounds so barbaric. This can cause speech problems, the need for braces later in life, and other dental problems, if it is not taken care of now. This is something that commonly goes unnoticed, because not many practitioners are informed on the subject. I am happy that he had only lost four ounces after birth, then when we went back he gained the four back. He was able to at least have some colostrum. When we met with a pediatrician on-call, before I explained why I wasn't nursing, she went on and on about how it is winter and that breastmilk is best for the defenses he needs, etc etc. First of all, it isn't that I did not want to breastfeed, so to assume that I am not aware of what breastmilk can do, is infuriating. I must have looked upset because she backtracked instantly, saying that formula feeding is totally fine and we should be grateful that we have it when it is needed. No shit, lady. I was told by a couple of people that maybe I was too stressed, so that's why it didn't work out. As if I did this. I am solely responsible for not being able to nurse my child. It boils my blood, because only I know the pain, only I know what I have gone through. Not every mother is able to nurse their baby. People used to feed their babies corn syrup with powdered milk when they couldn't nurse. There were wet nurses available. I was told that I probably should have "tried" a bit longer. I was told that I should just pump again, and keep trying to put him on the breast. This was after I communicated that we had made the decision to formula feed. I am so sick and tired of the unwarranted advice. As if I have no idea what I am doing, or just implying that I didn't try hard enough, is incredibly offensive.
My friend Colleen was kind enough to help me supplement more breast milk for Lily, but this time with her second baby, she isn't pumping anything extra. My supply was ok, but my hungry girl needed more than what I was able to give. We supplemented with formula and Colleen's milk. An old high school friend of mine had a preemie baby not long ago, born at 30 weeks. Thankfully, she was able to pump a lot of milk and baby is nursing beautifully. She posted on facebook that she had a lot of milk to donate, so I shot her a message asking if I could pick some up for my baby. She has graciously given us quite a bit from November, the early milk. Michael wasn't doing too great on the newborn formula, he was very gassy and would spit up ounces at a time, so we switched to a sensitive formula which seems to be working out better. He sleeps 3-4 hours at a time at night, even during the day, so that's nice. I don't remember Lily sleeping that long at this age, she would maybe sleep two hours at a time the first 6 weeks of her life. So far, Matt has taken the night shift and I have the day shift. I'd say night is easier, because he doesn't seem to fuss as much. But its difficult to wake up every four hours, I know. So far, so good. I am not incredibly stressed or in pain anymore, and I can enjoy both my babies.
More to come later, on life with two kiddos. <3
Today marks three weeks since baby Michael's birth. I was 41 weeks + 1 day along exactly. While it is still somewhat fresh in my mind, I will actually update my post. On Monday night of the 19th of December, Mr. Rhoads and I were getting ready for bed. I ended up opting for the membrane sweep that morning, at 11am. I got comfy in bed with a book waiting for Matt to get out of the shower. When he did, he walked past me to put on a shirt when we both heard a very loud "POP!" He turns to me and says, "what was THAT?!" I didn't know what to think, until I felt the warmth between my legs and I realized I was getting a ton of fluid on our sheets. I looked at the clock: 11:11pm. With eyes wide open, I told him my water had broken. It was clear that neither one of us knew what to do, it was pretty funny. He was stumbling around, asking if he should call his brother so he can be here with Lily, and I was debating whether I should call Alicia or not. The plan was to labor as long as possible at home, but when my water broke I had a feeling I would go into labor quickly. And that is exactly what happened. Alicia was at a birth, so I called the backup, who coincidentally was the same doula we had the first time. She attended Lily's birth, which put me at ease. She advised me to go with my instinct, if I felt like I could sleep for a bit (yeah, right!), or take a shower and head to the hospital, it was totally up to me. What no one tells you after your water breaks is that you will continue to leak, and have more gushes. Thank goodness for disposable adult diapers! Matt got everything in order and into the car. I showered, and waited for my brother in law Dan and Julie Ann, the doula. They both arrived around 1 am. I was on the phone with the doctor on-call at the hospital just before their arrival. I was told I should probably come into the hospital, even if contractions were not that close together. Since this was my second baby, he will likely come very soon. Julie Ann brought over her TENS machine, and thank goodness for that, because the car ride to the hospital would have been hell. Every time I had a contraction, I pushed a button that sent electric pulses out and let me tell you, it was heavenly. Matt and I waited at the front of the entrance so that Julie could park her car, then Julie and I both headed in while he looked for parking. I couldn't wait for him in the lobby, I just knew this kid was coming fast. As we checked in, I was unable to speak during the contractions. It was 2am. They were longer and more intense. Alicia was there with her client; as soon as she saw me in the hallway she rushed over and hugged me. She helped me breathe through a contraction, and I realized I couldn't stand any longer. I felt lucky that her client happened to be at the same hospital!
We walked over to my room, and it turned out to be the same room Lily was born in! The nurse read over my birth plan, asked me a few questions while I changed into my robe and at that point I wasn't able to concentrate, let alone answer any questions so Matt and Julie took over. There wasn't enough time for Julie Ann to set up her candles, dim the lights and play music like we had planned. I wanted both of them to be near me for every single contraction. The nurse tried to start a saline lock in between contractions but now the contractions were so close together, it was probably the fastest she ever had to do one. I noticed she was pregnant as well, I asked how far along she was, she said eight months. She mentioned that in her experience in the labor and delivery department, only about 20% of women who wish for a natural birth actually end up achieving that goal. Well, thanks for the encouragement. She asked multiple times to check my cervix, and every time I declined it. It is not an indication of when baby will make their way through, and I figure he will be born either way. I overheard her comment a couple of times that I wouldn't allow her to check me, therefore she does not know how much longer I have. She seemed annoyed but I did not care one bit. Julie Ann whispered to me that she was proud I stuck to my guns, and that the baby is due to arrive at any moment, because I seemed to be in transition. During every contraction, Matt applied counter pressure on my lower back, and I was reminded to relax my shoulders and jaw. He was so, so amazing throughout labor. He is always a strong presence for me. His understanding my need for space at the right moments, his reassurance, warmth and love was felt. He was my rock, all the way.
When transition began, it all felt like a dream. I don't remember what was talked about, who was in the room, all I knew was that I felt extremely exhausted and I just wanted baby to be born. I kept thinking, why is this taking so damn long? The lower back pain was unbearable. The TENS machine was no longer working for me. The shower with hot water on my back helped with my first labor, so we tried that again. But this time I was actually afraid he would be born in the shower so I was apprehensive. I wanted to feel relief, so badly. Alicia had popped into the room so with her help we all went in. The next thing I know, Matt is in there with his swim trunks, soothing me and breathing with me. I didn't feel relief this time. The steam made me feel hot and uncomfortable, so in my foggy state of mind, I knew I sounded rude when I told them I needed to get on the bed. Julie Ann reminded me that I needed to listen to my body, so we were doing whatever needed to be done. She dried me off, but I wanted to run to the bed, I didn't care that I was naked and soaked. Three contractions occurred while we were trying to get out of the bathroom, and during those, I leaned onto Matt while standing, which I never thought would bring any relief. It did. It sounds completely crazy, but his smell and comfort helped significantly. Getting my robe and a diaper on felt like an eternity. I got on the birth ball, bounced and moved about along with contractions. "Ride the wave", I kept telling myself, but Jesus! The pain was more than I could bare. I remembered what Julie Ann told me during Lily's birth- When I could no longer go on, when I want that epidural, it only means baby is coming. I dreaded each contraction. The more I wanted to fight it, the more tense I became. With each one, I growled and I moaned from the depths of my belly as loud as I possibly could. With applied pressure on my hips, and lower back, Julie reassured me that my body knew what to do. I was just making more room in my body for baby, and to try to relax into the contractions. As they got even closer together, I wanted out. I wanted out of my body so badly, because the pain was out of this world. I shook, not from being cold, but from the hormone shifts, an adrenaline response in the body during labor. As much as I tried to "embrace" it, I hated it, and asked- ok, demanded- for some Fentanyl. Then I shouted for an epidural. I wasn't nice about it, either. I believe my words were, "fuck! I want an epidural! Now!" Matt, the nurse, and the doula were all quiet which irritated me even more. I repeated myself. The nurse calmly explained that she needed to check my cervix before getting an anesthesiologist, but that could take some time. I told her to just forget it. I was given one dose of Fentanyl and I am pretty sure I almost kissed her. I said, "god bless you..." and I think I dozed off in between contractions. I rested my head on the bed, so grateful for that small break. The shaking subsided, but nothing can take away the pain from the contractions- or "surges"- as the doulas call them.
Julie Ann kept giving me sips of water in order for me to stay hydrated. I didn't want the baby monitor on me throughout labor like last time, so that was one less thing to annoy me. They checked baby's heart rate at some point for twenty minutes, I can't remember when it was, but he was doing great. As I felt him descend even lower (OUCH) into my pelvis, in between a contraction, I had the head of the bed moved up so I could lean over and be on my knees, the way Lily came into the world. This time, it didn't feel right at all. My nurse ended up leaving, because she began having contractions, so another nurse came in. I liked the new one a lot, because she was much more positive and motivating. I tried squatting, no way in hell that was going to work. Then she and Julie Ann suggested getting on my back, which is the less than ideal position I wanted to be in. I did it anyway, and my body responded well this time. Got those knees up, pushed like a madwoman. With Lily, I never felt the urge to push. This time, the need to push was overwhelming. It felt as though I had to release a huge poop. I overheard the doctor say he was in a posterior position, (facing my abdomen) which is why I was having crazy back pain. Lily was also posterior, but she turned herself during birth. Evidently, Michael did as well. The doctor was very nice and I felt at ease with her. What pissed me off though was that during my oxytocin haze she told me she was a bit "concerned" because he was a big baby, and that that can pose some complications. I thought to myself, the hell it will. It only made me want to show her that I could push him out without any complications. I knew I could do it. Julie Ann whispered not to listen to her, that I was doing just fine. During an in home visit with Alicia, we discussed the "sphincter law", in which the muscles of the anus and vagina do not respond on command. One must feel relaxed, not afraid or pressured, in order for these to function optimally. During birth, according to Ina May Gaskin, the famous midwife, if there is any negativity or fear surrounding the mother, she tenses up, and birth tends to slow down. The positivity that Julie Ann provided helped me through, I am a firm believer of that. Matt and Julie Ann both told me that they could see his head turn while he was still inside, so after three pushes, he was out. There was that familiar feeling again, the slimy squiggly human being being expelled from my vagina! It was 6am. I remember screaming from pain during that last push because it burned pretty badly. Ever heard of the "ring of fire"? Yes, that was it. I do not remember the burning sensation with Lily. I remember thinking, I didn't tear last time, but I swear this time I did. The doctor examined me, and said I didn't have any tears. Lucky me. He was immediately placed onto my chest. He didn't have a lot of vernix or blood on his skin, he was so clean! They covered him with a blanket, but didn't really clean him off. There were about 5 or 6 people in the room now, I can't tell you who they all were! Julie Ann did have her photographer/videographer friend in the room to document the birth, there was my nurse, the doctor, of course Matt and Julie Ann, but I can't for the life of me remember who the extra person was. She looked important, though.
I was given nitrous oxide (laughing gas) right before giving birth. Why wasn't I given some of that stuff with Lily? It was awesome. After Matt cut the umbilical cord, they all talked about how sturdy and thick it was. It was probably a full ten minutes that they waited to cut it. On my birth plan, I had indicated to wait at least five minutes. I was very happy about that. I was no longer experiencing contractions and I had to expel the placenta so they gave me a bit of Pitocin to contract my uterus. I did not want to push again but I had to. They showed me the huge placenta that came out of me and could hear the doctor discuss how it looked like an unusual placenta. It was deep red in color, larger than average, which is probably why they waited a bit longer to cut the cord, it needed to drain. Also, it apparently had some unusual patterns on it. It normally looks like a tree, which is why it is sometimes referred to as "the tree of life". Alicia was in the room again, this time to take the placenta off and get it encapsulated for me. Once Michael latched and had some milk, he was weighed and measured. 8lbs, 4 oz, 20 inches. Man, am I glad he was not a ten pounder. It goes to show that ultrasounds are inaccurate. I was annoyed, thinking about all of the big baby comments made during pregnancy, but I was on such a baby high, all of it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I gave birth the way that I wanted, and I was armed with an incredible support group. I was cleaned off, and we were all taken to the mother baby unit. Julie Ann asked me how I felt about this birth. I told her that it was fast, it felt just as painful as the first, and I began to feel a bit out of control toward the end. She and Alicia both said I was totally in control. I apologized for swearing at everyone. Alicia said there are never any hard feelings in the birth room. Julie Ann stayed with us until Michael ate and we had eaten breakfast. Poor thing, she was not prepared to stay up all night long. What a trooper. A good doula is absolutely invaluable. For me, both times, they were worth every single penny. What I will always remember is that my wishes were respected in the hospital. Ultimately, what it all comes down to, is respect. Please do not tell me that you are going to check my cervix. ASK me. What most women don't know is that most medical interventions can be avoided. We have a right to decline certain procedures, but it obviously goes without saying...do your research! I am not speaking from a holier than thou stance, believe me. I like to think I am not one of those people. I do not think that I am better than anyone because I gave birth the way I did, I am just a fan of knowing that women are being supported, loved and respected in their decisions. Knowledge is truly empowering.
I know it must make people uncomfortable when I disclose details of my births, but I think that the more we talk about what really happens, the more we learn, and the more we can appreciate the process.
Michael was born on Tuesday the 20th, we came home the next day, Wednesday afternoon. We could have left the following day, but I felt so badly for poor Matt who had to sleep on a very uncomfortable "couch". I personally loved the attention, free food, tv, and scheduled pain meds. :) So far, Michael seemed to be latching fine, and I was able to express some colostrum. My OB came by for a quick visit, checked my belly, and asked how much he ended up weighing. He didn't seem shocked. We had some lovely roommates, their baby was born the day after Michael. My parents came to visit while Julie Ann was still there, and my sisters came after they had left. Lily came for a visit with her grandparents to meet her brother. It was so good to see her. She was pretty indifferent about the baby, but I think it will sink in that he is here to stay forever. I wanted for our family to be together, so I'm glad we left when we did. The post partum nurses are absolutely amazing. I couldn't do what they do.
As for the placenta pills, I opted for encapsulation this time because I wanted to compare post partum recoveries. During birth, we lose hormones, iron, etc. so by consuming the placenta, we are bringing some of that loss back into the body. There have been studies that have concluded that it helps with moods, breastmilk supply, quicker healing. Now while I know that both my pregnancies were different, as were the births, it could just all be coincidental, but I do think they have helped on some levels. I have had zero hair loss this time, I feel a lot more energized, no "baby blues", and milk came in quicker. That is a whole other issue, though. Breastfeeding did not work out but I feel at peace about it this time, because I was mentally and emotionally prepared. My baby has tongue and lip tie, just like Lily did. His latch was much better than Lily's ever was, but he had to work incredibly hard to get that milk. He ended up with a fever at just 3 days old, from dehydration. His mouth was very dry. I could tell Matt was panicking. My nursing instincts kicked in. We monitored his temperature, stripped him down and gave him a sponge bath to cool him off, and supplemented with formula. It became very clear that he was not getting enough to eat. The next two days were awful. No, that is an understatement, it was terrible. He refused to latch, he would just scream his head off and so he and I cried intermittently those two days and nights. He was clearly very hungry, and my nipples were in so much pain, I can't even describe it. Matt would feed him, and with every large gulp my heart ached. Was my body not producing enough milk...again?! How can this be? I have milk. So I would pump, and only saw drops. He was already drinking 2 oz. We called a lactation consultant recommended by the doulas. She was amazing. She taught us techniques for feeding with flat, painful nipples, but they took time. She felt baby's mouth, said that when he sucks, he bites down with his gums because he can't protrude his tongue while he eats. That night, I did what I was taught, but I didn't get any sleep. The massage technique took about 20 minutes. By the time I had massaged, he had eaten, slept, I had to be up again to massage and go at it all over again. My breasts had so much edema, that encouraging some of that fluid back into the lymph nodes took a while, and reverse pressure softening did not help. Nipple shields did not work, it only made him more upset. The nipple shells did bring them out, but once he was finally able to latch, it felt like he was chewing them off with teeth. It was torturous. It should NOT have to be this hard! After a very tearful phone call to Alicia in the middle of the night, she was very sympathetic and supportive. She said she would visit the next day. I felt very vulnerable in that moment, and I was reminded that I already had a plan for this. Once I felt hopeless, stressed, and if I wasn't bonding with my baby, then it is time to switch to formula. If I wanted to keep trying to nurse, it was up to me. I already knew that I did not want to exclusively pump again, so that was not an option. Matt and I talked about it for a while, he said he did not want to see me in so much physical and emotional pain that formula will have to be the way to go. Our baby was also not a very happy guy through all of this. It was Lily's situation all over again. She had gotten her tongue tie snipped, thinking that was the issue, but she still couldn't latch properly. Michael's tongue tie was also snipped in the hospital before we left, but the pediatrician said she wasn't comfortable cutting a lot. We will have to take him in for further cutting and the lip tie. Geez, cutting...that sounds so barbaric. This can cause speech problems, the need for braces later in life, and other dental problems, if it is not taken care of now. This is something that commonly goes unnoticed, because not many practitioners are informed on the subject. I am happy that he had only lost four ounces after birth, then when we went back he gained the four back. He was able to at least have some colostrum. When we met with a pediatrician on-call, before I explained why I wasn't nursing, she went on and on about how it is winter and that breastmilk is best for the defenses he needs, etc etc. First of all, it isn't that I did not want to breastfeed, so to assume that I am not aware of what breastmilk can do, is infuriating. I must have looked upset because she backtracked instantly, saying that formula feeding is totally fine and we should be grateful that we have it when it is needed. No shit, lady. I was told by a couple of people that maybe I was too stressed, so that's why it didn't work out. As if I did this. I am solely responsible for not being able to nurse my child. It boils my blood, because only I know the pain, only I know what I have gone through. Not every mother is able to nurse their baby. People used to feed their babies corn syrup with powdered milk when they couldn't nurse. There were wet nurses available. I was told that I probably should have "tried" a bit longer. I was told that I should just pump again, and keep trying to put him on the breast. This was after I communicated that we had made the decision to formula feed. I am so sick and tired of the unwarranted advice. As if I have no idea what I am doing, or just implying that I didn't try hard enough, is incredibly offensive.
My friend Colleen was kind enough to help me supplement more breast milk for Lily, but this time with her second baby, she isn't pumping anything extra. My supply was ok, but my hungry girl needed more than what I was able to give. We supplemented with formula and Colleen's milk. An old high school friend of mine had a preemie baby not long ago, born at 30 weeks. Thankfully, she was able to pump a lot of milk and baby is nursing beautifully. She posted on facebook that she had a lot of milk to donate, so I shot her a message asking if I could pick some up for my baby. She has graciously given us quite a bit from November, the early milk. Michael wasn't doing too great on the newborn formula, he was very gassy and would spit up ounces at a time, so we switched to a sensitive formula which seems to be working out better. He sleeps 3-4 hours at a time at night, even during the day, so that's nice. I don't remember Lily sleeping that long at this age, she would maybe sleep two hours at a time the first 6 weeks of her life. So far, Matt has taken the night shift and I have the day shift. I'd say night is easier, because he doesn't seem to fuss as much. But its difficult to wake up every four hours, I know. So far, so good. I am not incredibly stressed or in pain anymore, and I can enjoy both my babies.
More to come later, on life with two kiddos. <3
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